at the end

Just read this.

At the end of the day its only you who can save you. Its only me who can save me. Not god, friends, love, parents. They can support me but it all depends on me. Ah! So much power to change my own life in my hands! Not legal!

I knew it! I shud never had depended on him! Its little bit crushing me. Long for his presence. Once they know that u depend on them, suddenly its all too easy for them to ditch u or disrespect you..or be mean to u since we’re lachaar urgh

I think sgi life is so amazing. Saddens me that my trying to prove its value is futile within my environment.

Would I still like him if things had gone more wrong?
I feel like as if I did a good thing for him by breaking up.
He deserves much better. I was right!! All those 5yrs ago! I wasss right! This was exactly what I feared would happen and sadly it came true. I’m not deserving of anyone urgh!

my 2 people, him and b has been resenting my practice. Ghar ko ppl ta jhan kurai nagaram!
I’m desperate to prove the practice’s worth!!
Lotus sutra is not a childish theory arghh!!

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from such a secured beautiful relationship πŸ™‚ but if its either buddhism or him, I’d get out for buddhism before things gets too sticky!!
I wonder maybe I shud have stayed and tried to rub budhism on him, but no. I tried! If it was to happen then it shud had happened. I wasn’t gona do anything different so no different effect would had come. At that time it was like lightening and I was ecstatic that finally I made my mind! Finally I was decisive about something!

Yes! I want to be with someone who respects mee and my practice πŸ™‚ not just for couple of days but day in and day out. It shudnt be like making an effort for him, it shud be natural. It must come from within. And things must be same for me for him.

I dedicate my life to mee and nam myoho renge kyo. And sgi and few peeps. Anything outside that sphere..ill try to make an exit.

Yes! He wasn’t doing anything bad. He was just reflecting the effects of which the causes I had made πŸ™‚ such a noble task he did. I really realised the depth of his love and had a deep gratitude. Although in superficial level he may not see it but deep within I know it was so lovely!

I know if I had stayed things would get from bad to worse.
I would do as he says, become almost quiet, think highly of him, worry deeply abt what he thinks, behave in a way that he likes, all the while living with the conflict of ‘but I don’t want to do it, but I want to be with him so I will do it’ until eventually my self worth and self respect becomes non-existant!

Just like with chols. But is this viscious circle ever gona end? Yes! It’ll end when I’m ready. It’ll end when I want it to. I feel so attached to self loathing. But even if this suffering is so comforting I kinda wannt to get out. Purely Cos I want to enjoy life! Enjoy beautiful relationship! Enjoy wealth! Enjoy beauty! Enjoy value! And these are good enough reasons to let go of any comforting sufferings.

How can I be in a relationship still with my sanity and sense of self intact. Without pissing him off, with still enjoying his company/depending on him slightly yet not losing myself. With every single detailed desire met. My next thing to chant for πŸ™‚

So happy to be meeeee!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s